Let's Get Practical - Don't Judge

It is so important that as parents we are consistent in our parenting in making a difference in our children's lives.  Creating and maintaining a culture of unconditional love and allowing them to always feel safe and loved, is very important in your home.

I want to share another practical tip for you that I have entitled: "Don't Judge".  

The natural human tendency in all is us to to judge and find fault with people.  It, therefore, takes a conscious effort not to cultivate this judgemental attitude when raising our children. 

In fact, a judgemental attitude toward your children will inevitably produce undesirable behaviours/characteristics. These behaviours become entrenched in the lives of your children, which may be difficult to break free from in later years.

Here are a few undesirable behaviours/characteristics that result from this kind of parenting.

• Children become like their parents and this judgemental cycle continues through generations.  Parents should be the role models to their children.  Don't tell, show! 
• Children become fearful to attempt anything.   Knowing they're will receive the wrath of judgement from their parents inhibits one to act. 
• Children don't feel safe and often become withdrawn.  It's safer in their bedroom than to be around mom and dad. 
• Children begin to build walls around them in order to protect themselves. 
• It becomes extremely difficult for children to be open, honest and/or transparent with mom and dad. As a result, their personal challenges are often bottled up which could lead to depression etc.

My wife (Colleen) and I tried to create a loving, safe and encouraging environment at home where the children could freely engage in conversation knowing that they wouldn't be judged.  We tried to create a home characterised by realness and transparency, with a fun and positive environment.  It was about helping each other to the next level. Rather than an environment of pulling them down or making them feel guilty about their actions. I often hear the following words from parents "John, your life will never amount to anything. You are a dumb and stupid boy.  Get out of here."  How does that make you feel just reading it!  

Words have power.

Let's get practical.  Here are a few suggestions.

1.  Choose your words wisely. Choose words that build your children up. Words carry life.

2.  Don't react to your children. Your need to respond. Take a deeeeep breath. Lift your head high. Take a another deep breath and then respond appropriately with words that will add value.

3.  Create a safe environment with your words that children can feel safe to speak knowing that they won't be judged.

4.  Allow your children the opportunity to speak. Ask questions. Don't give them the answer before they have told you everything. Sometimes your opinion is not needed. Allow them the space to share things with you. Be a great listener.

Be consistent in your actions and words to create 

an environment of love and encouragement.

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Let's Get Practical - Unconditional Love

One of the greatest gifts you can shower your children with is unconditional love.

The opposite of unconditional love, is 'conditional love'.  I cringe every time I hear a mom or dad say the following to their son or daughter, 'Paul, if you don't stop crying mommy won't love you anymore!' or 'Mary, if you don't tidy your room dad won't love you anymore!'  Words have power and will make an impact on your children's lives.  It is controlling and manipulative, and it makes your love based on conditions/performance. Actions and behaviour become the determinant of love.

Thus, it is so important to create an environment of unconditional love.  Children need to feel secure in their parents' love no matter their imperfections, shortcomings, disobedience and/or immaturity.

My wife (Colleen) and I tried our utmost to create a loving environment where our children felt safe and loved. We didn't love them based on what they did for us and/or because they were well behaved. We loved them unconditionally because they were our precious gifts - our beautiful children that have been entrusted to us, by God, to parent for a season.

What did we do?  How did we cultivate an environment of 'unconditional love'?  Here are five practical steps to help you show unconditional love.

TIME

Colleen and I purposely spent time with our children.  We wanted them to feel important and special. It wasn't about getting the job done.  As parents we had to sacrifice our personal agenda and what we wanted/needed to do, in order to spend time with our children.  Do something practical with your time.  Ask questions.  Play a game.  Do a puzzle.  Read a book.  Rough and tumble with your boys. We tried to find practical ways of making time with the kids count.

WORDS

Every person in the world desires to hear the following words 'I love you'.  It's important to understand that children/teenagers are not mind-readers.  They need to hear those words on a DAILY basis.  We wanted to ensure that our children knew without a shadow of doubt that mom and dad love them very much.  We didn't want them to ever doubt our love for them.  Even to this day, we tell our adult children that we love them.  No matter where they are in the world, what season of life they're in we still express of love to them.  An important way to express your love for your children is by using the following words "I love you".

TOUCH

This is a practical expression of your love for your children.  Colleen and I expressed our love for our children not only in words, but also through actions: using physical touch.  A hug, quick cuddle, high five and/or kiss on the cheek speaks volumes.  Sitting on the couch watching a TV programme, snuggling with your children and/or watching sport or their favourite programme conveys something special to them.  I am aware that people around the world have crossed the line with 'touch', but that doesn't mean it is wrong.  Even as teenagers, physical is a necessity.  If they don't get it from their parents, they will look elsewhere for it.

ACCEPT

Accept your children/teenagers as an individual with their own unique talents, gifts, strengths and weaknesses. With our three children, we soon began to realise that they were so different. We knew we couldn't change them or use a one-size fits all approach.  For Colleen and myself, we appreciated and valued their differences, and looked for opportunities to nurture and encourage them in their differences. An environment of encouragement and love was a hallmark of our home. When mistakes were made, we encouraged them to pick themselves up, learn the lessons that needed to be learnt, and to move forward in life.

Try the following this week:

1.  Do something special with each one of your children this week.

2. Tell your child daily that you love him/her.  Send them a text message or leave a note on their pillow.

3.  Give your child a hug every day.  

4.  Find the 'good' in your child and encourage him/her daily.

Be consistent in showing unconditional love to your children.

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